Because I Love You
by Kat-of-the-Streets
Summary: Set after 5.03 although I still have not seen it yet, so it includes a bit of speculation. Robert struggles with telling Cora that he is sorry and that he loves her.


AN: I still haven't seen 5.03 yet, so this might not fit very well. This story is the result of a conversation I had with Mrs. RobertCrawley yesterday, so thank you for the inspiration.

Let me know what you think!

And thank you for the many reviews on _Just Us For Lunch_.

Kat

P.S.: At the guest who asked whether I had seen 5.03 already: Not yet, but I'd love to hear your idea anyway. I'll watch it very soon, so just post your idea if you like :)

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He can't remember ever having felt this bad. Since his and Cora's return from London and they have not talked to each other, not really in any case. They've exchanged a few barbs, but that has been it. He tried to talk to her as if nothing had happened, he tried to explain to her why he had snapped at her like that, but she does not seem to care. All that she is fixated on is that she thinks that he does not value her opinion. Which isn't true but he has no idea how to make her see that.

They have never had a problem this big in their marriage. Not even when he kissed that maid. Kissed that maid. He kissed another woman and he begrudges Cora going to dinner with another man. It wasn't even this bad after Sybil's death. Cora would not talk to him then or at least not in a sensible manner, but that was different. They had just lost their youngest daughter and she blamed him because she needed someone to blame. But this is worse. He has destroyed their marriage.

Rosamund almost ripped his head off when she heard what he had said to Cora. And worse than that, she told their mother, Mary and Edith. Mary then told Tom and Anna, Anna told Bates and Edith told Isobel. For the past five days he has had to listen to other peoples' opinions concerning his treatment of his wife. Mary called him 'the most stupid man on earth', his mother told him that she could not remember him ever doing anything more foolish, Anna hasn't said anything so far but Bates told him in no uncertain terms that both he and Anna think that it was 'not the best idea to essentially call your own wife dumb', Edith said she couldn't believe that anyone would risk a marriage about something as trivial as a dinner, with a man he knew nonetheless, and Isobel told him that he had no right whatsoever to be surprised by the fact that Cora felt drawn to a man who actually listened to her and did not treat her like an ignorant child. But worst of all had been Tom's reaction.

He had debated with himself for weeks whether he shouldn't ask Tom to call him 'Robert' instead of 'Lord Grantham' but it would have been a big step, a step that would have meant accepting Tom as his equal, something he thinks the boy deserves, but a step he had not yet taken. Yesterday Tom and he talked about estate business and because of his bad mood he snapped at Tom who stopped walking, turned to him and said "Robert. Don't you think it was about time you apologized to Cora? You should count your lucky stars that she came back here at all, you should fall to your knees and beg her to forgive you. You should tell her that you love her. I know what it is like to lose the woman you love and you are very close to losing her."

"You have no right to call me Robert," he yelled at the poor boy and wanted to take back what he said but he couldn't do it, just as he can't take back what he said to Cora.

"I have every right to call you that because you are behaving like a child. Sybbie would not be that stubborn." And without thinking he looked at Tom and said

"But Sybil would be that stubborn."

Tom looked as if he was about to hit him but then shook his head and said

"No. Sybil would tell you that you are stupid and stubborn man. She loved you but she would have told you that you were making a huge mistake right now. And I fully agree with that. I respect you very much, Robert, I do, but what you are doing now is ridiculous." He had stared at Tom, his dead daughter's husband who stared back at him, who did not look away and then he hung his head like a defeated dog.

"Robert, you can do something about this and if you don't I will be very disappointed in you," Tom said and then looked away to give him time to collect himself.

He is out on the estate by himself now, not even Isis wanted to go with him. He went into the library to tell Cora that he was going outside, hoping against hope that she would turn around and ask to go with him, but she did not look at him, let alone ask whether she could join him. To his surprise Isis had been sitting at her feet, something the dog hardly ever does, when he is not there, she usually seeks out Tom, but when he said "Isis, come on," the dog looked at him and then put her head on Cora's lap.

He has been kicking a stone for half an hour now and he has ruined both his shoes but he does not care. There is nothing he cares about anymore. He has effectively ruined his marriage and that is that. He can't do anything about it, he can't take back what he said. And he is still very angry with Cora. How could she have betrayed him like that, after 34 years of happy marriage? That is what he doesn't understand. Why she fell for that man. That Bricker idiot simpers and smiles at her for a week and she forgets all about her husband who has been devoted to her for 34 years.

"Robert, Mother is right. You do treat Cora like a child." He turns around because he thinks that he has heard Matthew speak to him but the moment he does so he realizes that this was stupid. But the fact remains that he did hear Matthew's voice and it is driving him mad. The more he fights with Cora, the greater the distance between them becomes, the more the rest of his family tells him that this is all his fault, the more he misses Sybil and Matthew. Although he knows that neither one of them would side with him. Neither Sybil and Tom nor Mary and Matthew would have ended up in the mess that Cora and he have now ended up in, a mess they will most likely never leave behind.

He knows he should go back inside, he has been outside for hours, he has probably missed lunch, but he doesn't care, he wants to be by himself, and so he walks over to the bench and slumps down on it. He picks a stick up from the ground and begins to break in halves, just as he broke his marriage.

"Robert." He looks to his left and sees that he has been joined by his mother.

"Are you going to scold me again? I am not a schoolboy you know." His mother looks at him incredulously and shakes her head.

"No I am not going to scold you again although there is nothing that you would deserve more right now. Because you are behaving like an insolent child. But that is not why I came out here. I could have told you that in front of others." He wonders what is coming now. What could she have to say to him that she could not say in front of others?

"Robert, the last thing I ever said to your father was 'Remember that we have guests. You have to be back before the dressing gong. Don't be late again.'."

"I know that. I was there." He does not want to think about his father's death. He will never forget it, he saw him die after all. He saw the horse throw him and he saw the horse trample him, as in slow motion. He and Jarvis both tried to catch the horse's reigns, but they were too far away. Once he reached his father, he slid of his own horse, knelt down next to his father, looked at him and knew that he had just become the Earl of Grantham. He still dreams about it. He still wakes up covered in sweat, crying.

"It was uncalled for. He had been late the day before, but only because he helped the child of tenant find his way back home. And I knew that, he told me about it. And still I told him to not be late again just because I was afraid that our guests would have had to wait for a few minutes."

"You couldn't know what would happen. None of us knew that. How were you supposed to know that that horse would be so scared of a fox? Or that that fox would come our way at all?"

"That is my point Robert. You don't know what will happen."

"I don't understand." He does understand but he wants to behave like a child. He doesn't know why, but it helps to deal with his anger and confusion.

"Imagine, just for a moment, that Cora went to the village today and had an accident on the way back." She does not have to say anything further. He knows what she means. But he doesn't know what to say.

"Now, I will regret telling you this, I am sure I will, but sometimes even I have to do things I know I will regret." He looks at his mother who has tears in her eyes and he wills her to stop speaking.

"I have never regretted anything in my life as I regret my last words to your father. You are right, I could not know that those would be my last words to him, but regardless of that, I should not have said something so unfeeling and uncalled for and I still wish I could take those words back. Every single day." He can't look at his mother now because he is afraid to see her cry. He knows that she still misses his father, she loved him very much after all.

"Why are you telling me this?" he asks her instead.

"Because," she takes a deep breath and he can hear that that breath is very unsteady. "Because I love you and I want you happy." He looks at her and she has already gotten up. "I'll leave you to your thoughts now. Draw the right conclusions, my dear boy," she says and leaves. It begins to rain then and he wonders if he should run after her, but Carson is already walking towards her, carrying an umbrella and he would not have had an umbrella anyway. So he stays on the bench and lets the rain soak him through.

He goes back inside when he realizes that she has been shivering for quite a while, his mind half made up to apologize to Cora, and the first person he sees is Edith,.

"You are looking like dog caught in the rain," she says to him and he wonders why she says that.

"Well, apparently that is what I am." Edith only shrugs her shoulders and then says

"You better get changed soon because Simon Bricker is coming for dinner." That was the last sentence he wanted to hear.

"Why?"

"He called because he wanted to look at something here." He knows what that man wanted to look at. "And Mama invited him for dinner."

"Where is your mother?" he yells this at his daughter and she takes a step back.

"I am not sure you should," he knows his daughter only wants to help but he doesn't care.

"Where is your mother?"

"In the drawing room. But Papa, you should, you shouldn't, I'll come with you." She follows him and he turns around.

"Don't you dare come into that room with me." He opens the door to the drawing room and sees that Mary and Tony are there as well.

"Get out," he yells at them.

"Papa, what is"

"Mary, don't ask questions. Get out." Cora makes to leave too, but he grabs her wrists and pulls her back. "You stay." She looks at him a little frightened and Tony starts to move forward but Cora looks at Tony and says "Tony, just leave. It will be alright."

"And close the door," he yells after Mary who to his own surprise actually listens.

"Robert," Cora starts but he will have none of it.

"Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"What Edith has just told me."

"I have no idea what she told you." Why does she have to provoke him like this? He pulls at her arm again and somewhere, deep down a voice that sounds like his father says 'Let go off her', when he sees the tears in Cora's eyes. And so he drops her arm.

"She said that Simon Bricker was coming for dinner."

"That is true," Cora says and massages her arm. "You hurt me, Robert."

"Well, you are hurting me too."

"Not like this," she says defiantly and looks daggers at him.

"Why is he coming here?"

"He wanted to look at the picture of," but he interrupts her.

"Don't lie to me. He wants to look at you."

"So what if he does?"

"He is not supposed to do that."

"And why not?"

"Because you are my wife and not his." There is a spark in Cora's eyes now, one that should either give him hope or tell him to be very careful. But being careful is not an option for him right now.

"And that means that he cannot look at me."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because he is stealing you from me."

"He is doing no such thing Robert. How could he steal something that you have cast aside?" There are tears running down her face now and he knows he should tell her that he was sorry, he knows he should follow Tom's advice and fall to his knees and beg Cora to forgive him, but he just can't get out of his skin right now.

"I don't want you to see him again. I forbid it."

"You cannot forbid me to do anything. I am an adult Robert. I can meet whom I want to meet."

"But you cannot sleep with him because that would be illegal," he almost yells this at her, quite triumphantly. This victory feels so good. Until he looks at Cora and sees that she has gone as pale as a sheet and he thinks that he has never seen her looking so disappointed.

"I would never do that. And you should know that. I would never go to bed with someone else. I never would, never could do that to you. Just as you couldn't do it to me." He feels as if someone had hit in the stomach.

"You know about Jane."

"Of course I know. Do you think I am blind?"

"Why did you never" but he can't go on because the way Cora looks at him, with so much disappointed and hurt in her eyes, makes him quite unable to speak.

"Why did I never say anything? Because you ended it before anything serious had happened. And I know that you ended if for me."

"You know how much it hurts then."

"Yes."

"Then why are you doing it to me?"

"What?" He knows she does not mean 'what am I doing you to you' but rather 'how can you say that?'

"Why are you doing it to me?" He says it a lot louder than he should. "Why do you keep flirting with that man?"

"Why does it bother you?" Cora yells back at him. "It is not as if you cared about me."

"I don't want you to see him again." He has started to walk towards her now and he only dimly realizes that she is walking backwards.

"Why not?"

"I do not want you to see him again."

"Why not?" Cora asks again in manner that is meant to provoke him.

"I do not want you to see him again because you are my wife and I love you." His crashes his lips onto hers or maybe it is the other way around, he doesn't know, all he knows is that Cora has thrown her arms around him and that he now has her trapped between the wall and himself, something Cora does not seem to mind in the least. She lets out a strangled "Oh God, Robert," when he lets her feel what she is doing to him, but stops touching and kissing him only seconds later.

"No," she says to him.

"Why not? I need you. I want you." He thought she wanted him too. All the excitement in him deflates.

"And you can," she looks for words and then says "have me. But not in here. Let's go upstairs."

"We'll be stopped." He is sure that their daughters and probably Tom and Tony are waiting in front of the door.

"We have to make a run for it then."

"What?"

"Let's leave this room and run for it."

"You are crazy. They will know what we are about to do then."

"Is that a bad thing? They are all grown-up, the have all done it themselves."

"Not Tony."

"Oh yes. Tony too. With Mary nonetheless." He knows this should anger him but he doesn't care right now. Cora now walks towards the door and opens it and when she does it, he sees how disheveled she looks and he wonders what this must look like to Mary and Tony who saw him pull Cora towards him very forcefully. Right on queue he hears Mary and Edith say "Mama," and he follows Cora out the door.

"No. Let us deal with it on our own terms. Don't interfere," she says to their daughters and then lets him pull her up the stairs.

He throws all his soaked through clothes onto the bed and realizes a moment later that that was a very bad idea.

"It doesn't matter," Cora mumbles against him and pulls him onto the settee with her. He begins to take it a lot slower the moment he lands between her legs. "Go on," Cora almost begs him but he can't, not like this.

"Look at me." She does and her eyes are full of passion and love and both of it is for him. "I love you," he says.

"Please," she begs him and he gives into her.

"I love you too," she says when they are both lying on their sides later on, their legs entangled, his arms around her, one of her arms around him and the other one resting on his chest. "And I never wanted to hurt you. I only wanted to get you to notice me a little more."

"I am sorry, my darling. For all of it." She kisses him on the lips now.

"Thank you for saying that."

"I'll take better care of you. And I won't treat you like a child anymore. I promise." Cora only nods but he knows she believes him. His look falls on an alarm clock on her bedside now.

"Oh dear God."

"What?"

"Dinner is in fifteen minutes. We must have overheard the dressing gong."

"I wonder why Baxter did not come in here."

"Probably because it could not be overheard what we were doing." Cora breaks into loud laughter at this and it makes him laugh too. Not because what he said was particularly funny, but because he is so relieved. So relieved that they were able to put all their troubles behind them. At least that it is what he hopes.

"Cora, are we alright again?" he asks her. It really is her decision.

"More than that I think. Although I would not mind you flirting with me to show me and the world how much you love me."

"That I can do. And as nice as this is, we have to get dressed now. We will be late but not shockingly so." She nods and lets go of him so that he can get up, but before he has gone through the door to his own room, she grabs his arm and pulls him close to her again.

"I love you. And I am looking forward to spending the evening with you," she says to him and then turns around.

Because he is already undressed, dressing him does not take long and he is almost ready on time, but he knows that Cora won't be and he does not want her to be late by herself. So he goes into her room and watches Baxter get her ready. He sits down on the bed, on his wet clothes.

"Uh, my clothes," he says and only realizes what he has said when Cora lets out an indignant but rather mirthful "Robert". Luckily Baxter pretends to not have heard anything.

He takes Cora's hand when they go downstairs and she smiles a brilliant smile at him for this. He wishes he would have just always taken her hand every day of their marriage. But he can start that now. He is so focused on her that he forgets to greet Simon Bricker and only Cora's gentle nudge brings him back to earth. When they go into the dining room only three minutes later, he puts his hand on the small of Cora's back and guides her through the door, something else she thanks him for with a smile. He only lets go of her when he absolutely has to and curses the seating arrangement that always has her sitting opposite him. He keeps staring at her during dinner. She is sitting between Tony and Tom and seems to entertain both of them at the same time because Isobel who should be talking to Tom right now is busy asking Simon Bricker questions about the possible donation of art for good causes. Tom says something that makes Cora laugh and she looks across the table at him then and a shiver runs down his spine.

"Robert, are you listening to me?"

"What?" He hadn't noticed his mother talking to him.

"Were you listening to me?" There is no way he can say that he did because she will test him like a schoolboy. So he just says

"No."

"What are you doing?"

"Drawing conclusions."

"I'll leave you to it then. Although I thought you two had already drawn your conclusions before you came downstairs for dinner half an hour late."

"Well," is all he can say but he doesn't need to say anything else because his mother keeps on talking.

"Why do the two of you always have to jump from two people who can't stand being in the same room to lovesick teenagers within the space of mere hours?"

He doesn't have to answer because in that moment Cora catches his mother's eye and she nods at her.

"I think we'll forgo the separation tonight." So they all get up and for some reason Mary leads the guests through to the drawing room, which has the effect that he is alone with Cora only moments later.

"How did that happen?" he asks slightly bewildered.

"I don't know," she says and walks over to him. She puts her arms around his waist and rests her head on his shoulder. "But I like it. Just a few seconds alone with you." She then lifts her head up and briefly kisses him on the cheek first and then on the lips.

"Yes," he says. "But I am afraid we have to go now."

He takes her by the hand again and doesn't leave her side for the rest of the night. It surprises him how easy it is for him to make her smile and he wishes to God he had not forgotten that making his wife smile, making her happy is his most important task.

As he has done for by far the largest part of their marriage, he joins Cora in her room before she is even dressed for bed and that causes her to smile again. Once she has sent Baxter away, he looks at her and says

"I am glad to see you smile like that."

"Good," she says and gets up. He walks towards her, encircles her with his arms and begins to kiss her again.

"No, Robert," she says and he wants to protest until he sees the serious expression on her face.

"Why?"

"Because there is something we have to talk about. And I think you better sit down for that."

So he climbs into their bed where she joins him and takes his hand.

"Robert, I went to see the Drews this morning."

"Why?" He has an ominous feeling, slightly like that feeling he had right before Cora told him about Mary and Pamuk. But even that makes him happy, because they are at a place again where he is the one she goes to talk about serious things.

"They told Edith they did not want her to come back and take care of that little girl. Marigold. So I went there to tell them that they needn't be worried about Edith losing interest, that she wouldn't do, that she would not create dreams for that girl and then forget about her. And to tell the Drews that even if that did happen, we would still finance Marigold's education."

"That was very kind of you." He kisses her hand now to show her that he thinks that she was right in doing so.

"Robert, I saw the child." He puts her hand down and looks at her.

"And?"

"I think, no I am sure that we have three grandchildren."

He doesn't know what to say so he just stares at Cora.

"It all fits. That's why she went to Switzerland with Rosamund. To have the baby there. That's why she went back to the continent. To get the baby here. That's why she is so interested in her."

"So Rosamund knows about this." He sometimes wants to kill his sister.

"I am sure she does. And I think that we should both go to London tomorrow and talk to her." He wants to go and talk to Edith now. He wants to rage at his daughter and ask her why she trusted her parents so little that she did not tell them about this. "No Robert, we cannot talk to Edith right now. Especially not you. You are about to rage and storm and that would not be helpful. Let Rosamund tell us the whole story." He wants to protest but then remembers that he did not want to treat Cora like a child anymore.

"Maybe that is best. I think you are right." Cora seems to be slightly surprised but he also thinks that she understands why he does not put up a fight now.

"I think we should go to sleep now. We have to go to London tomorrow after all and that conversation with Rosamund won't be easy."

"You are right." They both turn off the lights at their bedside tables and as in unison they move to the middle of the bed and he puts his arm around Cora and she puts her head on his shoulder.

"Three grandchildren. Cora we are old."

"No," she mumbles. "Just very lucky."

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P.S.: Depending on what happens on the show, I might write another chapter for this, but I want to wait and see first.


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